What’s My Motivation?

What would you do if I sang out of tune,
Would you stand up and walk out on me?
Lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
And I’ll try not to sing out of key.

Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends
Mm, I get high with a little help from my friends
Mm, gonna try with a little help from my friends

Lyrics from “With A Little Help From My Friends”

The title to this post is from a recurring joke in my internal dialog, originating from some long-forgotten line in a movie about acting. In case you haven’t noticed, a major underlying theme of this blog is my confusion about (and outright resentment towards) the stupid roles we’re all forced to play in order to “fit in” with those around us. I don’t care which part of my life I look back on or which “group” I’ve been involved with, there was always something about myself I didn’t feel comfortable revealing. Which, of course, meant choosing my words very carefully – especially when they might threaten the “validity” of the roles I perceived were being played by those who heard them.

What do I do when my love is away
(Does it worry you to be alone?)
How do I feel by the end of the day,
(Are you sad because you’re on your own?)

No, I get by with a little help from my friends
Mm, I get high with a little help from my friends
Mm, gonna try with a little help from my friends

Lyrics from “With A Little Help From My Friends”

Chief amongst the people I’ve been particularly careful with when it comes to what I will or won’t reveal is my family. But that doesn’t mean I don’t look for ways to connect – that is, ways to connect that won’t be seen as threatening. With that in mind, I posted this on my Facebook page right after I published my last post here:

At the risk of reinforcing everyone’s belief that I’m nuts, these lines from The Avengers have always reminded me of my family:

Loki: The Chitauri are coming. Nothing will change that. What have I to fear?

Tony Stark: The Avengers. That’s what we call ourselves; we’re sort of like a team. “Earth’s Mightiest Heroes” type thing.

Loki: Yes, I’ve met them.

Tony Stark: Yeah, takes us a while to get any traction, I’ll give you that one. But let’s do a head count here: your brother the demi-god; a super soldier, a living legend who kind of lives up to the legend; a man with breath-taking anger management issues; a couple of master assassins, and YOU, big fella, you’ve managed to piss off every single one of them.

Loki: That was the plan.

Tony Stark: Not a great plan. When they come, and they WILL, they’ll come for you.

Loki: I have an army.

Tony Stark: We have a Hulk.

Loki: I thought the beast had wandered off…

Tony Stark: You’re missing the point! There’s no throne, there is no version of this where you come out on top. Maybe your army comes and maybe it’s too much for us but it’s all on you. Because if we can’t protect the Earth, you can be damned well sure we’ll avenge it!

Yeah, they scare the crap out of me. But I’ve always been comforted by the knowledge that they’re there. I just hope they know it.

I’m not really sure what I expected, considering the rather ambiguous nature of the post, but I did get some very nice comments from my son Josh and my friend Rosie. Rosie, of course, has been both a great friend and a great source of comfort ever since I met her during my stays in the VA hospital. My son Josh has not only been my Social Security payee for years, which puts him in the precarious position of having the lease on my apartment and all my bills in his name, but has always been my greatest source of pride when it comes to my children.

Do you need anybody
I need somebody to love
Could it be anybody
I want somebody to love

Lyrics from “With A Little Help From My Friends”

But the coolest thing about my son’s comments was his telling me that he’d been catching up on the latest superhero movies and discovered that my granddaughter loves them too. When I jokingly pointed out that a fascination with science fiction could potentially turn into an obsession with science (something I’ve long prayed for someone other than me in my family to have), his response was “Well…we just signed her up for a before school program called the invention convention…at HER request!” Wow! I did NOT see that one coming!!!

Would you believe in a love at first sight
Yes, I’m certain that it happens all the time
What do you see when you turn out the light
I can’t tell you but I know it’s mine,

Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends
Mm, I get high with a little help from my friends
Mm, gonna try with a little help from my friends

Lyrics from “With A Little Help From My Friends”

As I said, I’m not really sure what I expected. The post was mainly aimed at the children of my sister who died late last year (leaving them the closest remaining members of birth family in the area) and none of them responded, but the responses from my closest friend and the son I’ve always thought was most like me have more than made it worth it posting!

Do you need anybody
I just need someone to love
Could it be anybody
I want somebody to love.

Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends
with a little help from my friends

Lyrics from “With A Little Help From My Friends”

As for the title of this post and my issues with all those damned roles we’re forced to play, well I’m not sure if I’ll ever stop being angry about that. After all, my anger is over the damage we do to ourselves and our world when we so casually accept the need to be liars to get by. But hey, there is truth in the old “no man is an island” thing. And if pretending a little, to make myself more “socially acceptable” (whatever the hell that is), helps maintain some kind of link to those I care about, then I guess I’ll just have to keep on keeping on.

BTW, it’s been a day and a half since the Facebook post and I’ve still heard nothing from my sister’s kids. I did finally get a “thumbs up” from my son Damien however… 🙂

I want ice water.

More from the Random Ravings volume

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2 thoughts on “What’s My Motivation?

  1. I confess I don’t worry much anymore about playing roles. Having become, by choice, a virtual hermit, my immediate family are about the only people I interact with anymore, and for them I don’t have to roleplay. American society as a whole seems to have become a wretched, hateful mess and I’m content to interact with it as little as possible.

    Liked by 1 person

    • As usual, you and I are most definitely on the same page my friend. I chose to become an “urban hermit” precisely because my interactions with others (mostly groups of others) left me feeling as if I was drowning in decisions on how to act. As for family, you can see from what I wrote how limited those interactions are. These days my concept of “family” is limited to the people mentioned here, and you.

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