Call me weird, because I’ve been laughing my ass off ever since I first stumbled across this. And while you’re at it, I guess you can call me a criminal too, because I’m reblogging this shit exactly as I found it. Of course, if you agree with my assessment of the writing and you’d like to keep me out of whatever kind of hell they throw people like me in for stealing shit like this – not to mention preventing the $5 in my bank account from being seized in some lame-assed lawsuit – you’ll use the links I’m providing to give the guy who actually fucking wrote it his due…
How To Cook A Fucking Steak, by Alex Balk
Go to the goddamn grocery and get steak. Yes, the grocery. A little ammonia is not going to kill you, you pussy. You want to be all fancy and grass-fed and environmentally conscious, go ahead, I don’t give a shit, just get a fucking steak. Ribeye is good. And, yes, bone-in. Schmuck. Take the steak home. Get a bigass frying pan and put the shit on the stove, cranking the heat up as far as that fucker will go. Take a shitload of salt—rocksalt, you dumb motherfucker, none of that fine-grained crap here—and toss it around the bottom of the pan. When the pan is hot as all fuck—it should scorch the shit out of your finger if you’re stupid enough to touch it—put the fucking steak on there. You can crack some pepper on the top of the steak as the bottom is searing, but don’t even talk to me about garlic or onion powder or COMPOUND FUCKING BUTTER, asshole. This is steak, all you fucking need is salt and pepper. After a bit (3 minutes for pink, 5 for cooked good), flip that shit over and do the same fucking thing you just did with the other side, i.e. sit on your ass and wait for your motherfucking steak to be ready, you useless assbag. When you’re done, sling that shit on a plate. Beringer’s 1996 Cabernet Sauvignon Napa Valley Private Reserve makes an absolutely delightful accompaniment, particularly if you’ve taken care to let it breathe a bit before quaffing. Also, make some fucking potatoes, because that’s what you eat with a fucking steak. God, sometimes I just want to smack the shit out of you.
I want ice water.
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I Want Ice Water! 
Brilliant, I must tell the wife how its cooked
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Do you plan to tell her using language similar to the author? 😉
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He knows whereof he speaks. I could afford the occasional steak, but cooking it like this, which is how it should be done, smokes up my house so much that it’s just not worth it. Sad, because there’s nothing — nothing! — I like better than a great steak with a baked potato on the side oozing butter and sour cream all over the plate.
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I love my steak just that way too my friend. I rarely cook it at home though, because any sign of red makes me sick and my attempts to get it well done usually ruins it.
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I just wish I had someone around to justify and use a good outdoor grill. But it’s not worth fooling with for one person.
I guess we could never dine together. I like my steaks med. rare.
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Oh I think we’d get along just fine, as long as you don’t try to tempt me with a bloody bite from your plate!
My son and I always say we’re gonna get us a grill but we never do. With all the stupid kids running loose, they’re just too hard to manage when you live in an apartment without its own secured patio.
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I really don’t like grills in apt. complexes. Seen too many fires caused by them. Insurance guy told me that’s the main reason my homeowners is cheaper than my renters ins. was.
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Yep. I keep imagining my apartment catching fire because I brought the grill inside to cool rather than risking the idiot kids next door burning themselves on it!
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I keep telling people this is how to cook a fucking steak, no one listens. Said from a true texan.
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I should’ve known to ask you Val! To show my appreciation, I present one of my favorite clips… 😉
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Yes sir, that’s how to cook a God damn steak?
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Absolutely!!
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This recipe appeared ages ago in The Awl and I was looking for it to pass to a friend. The original Awl page seems to be offline so cheers Izaak for preserving this treasure.
Call me a fucking chauvinist – see if I care – but I gave her the best advice a girl in her late 30s can get if she wants to marry her guy: Learn how to make a fucking steak.
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Thanks Yiannis, glad to be of help. And that is very good advice! Too bad about The Awl being down. It seems like just a day or so ago that I got an email from them announcing a new post…
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His website is down now. Good thing you put up a copy.
I’m so glad I googled how do i cook a fucking steak on google for fun.
I’m cooking a fucking steak tomorrow.
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