How To Cook A Fucking Steak!

Call me weird, because I’ve been laughing my ass off ever since I first stumbled across this. And while you’re at it, I guess you can call me a criminal too, because I’m reblogging this shit exactly as I found it. Of course, if you agree with my assessment of the writing and you’d like to keep me out of whatever kind of hell they throw people like me in for stealing shit like this – not to mention preventing the $5 in my bank account from being seized in some lame-assed lawsuit – you’ll use the links I’m providing to give the guy who actually fucking wrote it his due…

How To Cook A Fucking Steak, by Alex Balk

Go to the goddamn grocery and get steak. Yes, the grocery. A little ammonia is not going to kill you, you pussy. You want to be all fancy and grass-fed and environmentally conscious, go ahead, I don’t give a shit, just get a fucking steak. Ribeye is good. And, yes, bone-in. Schmuck. Take the steak home. Get a bigass frying pan and put the shit on the stove, cranking the heat up as far as that fucker will go. Take a shitload of salt—rocksalt, you dumb motherfucker, none of that fine-grained crap here—and toss it around the bottom of the pan. When the pan is hot as all fuck—it should scorch the shit out of your finger if you’re stupid enough to touch it—put the fucking steak on there. You can crack some pepper on the top of the steak as the bottom is searing, but don’t even talk to me about garlic or onion powder or COMPOUND FUCKING BUTTER, asshole. This is steak, all you fucking need is salt and pepper. After a bit (3 minutes for pink, 5 for cooked good), flip that shit over and do the same fucking thing you just did with the other side, i.e. sit on your ass and wait for your motherfucking steak to be ready, you useless assbag. When you’re done, sling that shit on a plate. Beringer’s 1996 Cabernet Sauvignon Napa Valley Private Reserve makes an absolutely delightful accompaniment, particularly if you’ve taken care to let it breathe a bit before quaffing. Also, make some fucking potatoes, because that’s what you eat with a fucking steak. God, sometimes I just want to smack the shit out of you.

Alex Balk – The Awl

I want ice water.

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10 thoughts on “How To Cook A Fucking Steak!

  1. He knows whereof he speaks. I could afford the occasional steak, but cooking it like this, which is how it should be done, smokes up my house so much that it’s just not worth it. Sad, because there’s nothing — nothing! — I like better than a great steak with a baked potato on the side oozing butter and sour cream all over the plate.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I love my steak just that way too my friend. I rarely cook it at home though, because any sign of red makes me sick and my attempts to get it well done usually ruins it.

      Like

      • I just wish I had someone around to justify and use a good outdoor grill. But it’s not worth fooling with for one person.

        I guess we could never dine together. I like my steaks med. rare.

        Liked by 1 person

        • Oh I think we’d get along just fine, as long as you don’t try to tempt me with a bloody bite from your plate! O_o

          My son and I always say we’re gonna get us a grill but we never do. With all the stupid kids running loose, they’re just too hard to manage when you live in an apartment without its own secured patio.

          Like

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