A Little Lesson In Manners…

I couldn’t help laughing when my daughter-in-law shared this on Facebook. I felt a little guilty afterwards because I can’t imagine myself doing what this guy did. On the other hand, the kid was being a monstrous little shit…

The Best Revenge Story Ever

When a kid is being a brat in a noisy and public area, I casually get close to them and fart on their head/face. I’m really tall so it’s usually a direct hit.

It’s funniest when the kid notices and doesn’t know what to do because I’m a giant.

One time I was pretty drunk with a friend at a Target buying Risk. This little mexican 5-7 year old with a mohawk, was being an insufferable little shit in the action figure section. I heard him from like 5 aisles over and it was like nails on a chalkboard. I tell my friend, “I’m gonna fart on this kids head. Watch and learn.”

I saunter on over to the aisle in question and see the vile little prick calling his mom an “idiot” for not buying him a huge G.I. JOE The Movie vehicle. “I already bought that one for you and you broke it by throwing it down the stairs” “SHUT UP. I NEED IT. IT’S THE ONLY ONE I DON’T HAVE NOW.” The mother was younger than me (I’m mid twenties) and gave a defeated look, “I don’t have enough money right now.” “YOU ARE AN IDIOT,” and continued to just berate and publicly shame this woman.

At the time, I was on a strict Chipotle carnitas burrito diet. And while I was watching all this, my stomach gave me an initial warning gurgle (very courteous stomach) telling me I was about an hour away from punishing the toilet. Serendipity! Destiny!

The kid shouts “F**K YOU, I HATE YOU!” The mom rolls her eyes and turns her back to the kid to ignore him. And could you believe it, the kid gets on his hands and knees and starts taking the toy out of the box. It’s go time, mother**ker.

I position my back towards him and at this point am like 2 feet away from him. I bend down to reach for the one of the toys on the lower shelf. At this point, my ass is INCHES away from this kids head.

I’m so close that from a distance it looks like I’m about to sit on him,. My friend sees this happening and can no longer contain himself. He’s covering his mouth, but his ‘hee-haw’ hyperventilating donkey chortle is fairly audible over the late 90’s pop muzak playing on the loudspeakers.

The kid immediately looks up towards the laughter, but can’t help but notice there is an ass now directly in his face. Now, I’m trying not to laugh but also panicking as I just made eye contact with him. He furls his brow and I look over in the mother’s direction, still back towards us. I relish in the moment and the look on this child’s confused and naive face.

The initial blast was mighty and boisterous. I swear I saw his hair blowing in the wind (so to speak). If I wasn’t wearing jeans, I think it could have probably blown over an empty soda can. I would call it “a very fun fart” (A++ would buy again). However, what immediately followed that out the chamber was truly horrifying. The fart’s implication changed without notice and swiftly. It went from a joyous, dry airhorn squeal to a nefarious, hissing mephitis. I think the little moppet noticed the hateful metamorphosis before even I did because he wretched his neck violently trying to get away from the personified evil being fumigated into his soul. Because of his positioning (hovering over the toy, hands and knee), it was all in vain as the only way out was forward…and forward would mean certain death.

In total, it lasted about 4 seconds but for that kid, it must have seemed like time was frozen. The long-term severe brain damage which he no doubt suffered, only added to that effect.

When I finished, there was a silent, pregnant pause. The kid was clearly shocked and stunned. No one had ever stood up to this dwarf sociopath in his whole life. I had taken the words out of his mouth and filled it with fart.

I make my move first, picking up the toy I was “reaching for” off the low shelf, take a few steps forward and stare at it for a few seconds. The only thing the kid could manage to do was burst into tears. My friend senses danger ‘the jig is up’ and his head darts for cover. The mom turns around to see her kid with an open toy, crying on the floor and me minding my own business.

She walks up to him and asks what’s wrong but the kid can’t speak. All he gets out is, “BAWAWAAAWAFARTBAWAWA.” It took every fiber in my body not to laugh.

Sensing that his assailant was getting away scot-free, he somehow managed to compose himself for a moment. He shouts, “HE FARTED ON ME!” I was ALMOST around the corner when the mom goes:

“Excuse me….sir….SIR!”

I turn around nonplussed, “Uh…who? Me?” while pointing to myself.

“Yes. Did YOU just FART on my son?”

Weighing my options, I played dumb. “What? I mean, I did fart.”

“On my son?”

“Well, I mean, technically speaking…I mean…what is ‘on’?”

“Why did you fart on my son?”

At this point the little kid has the look of schadenfreude on his face, happy to see me in trouble. F**k you, I’M A MAN! I WILL FART ON YOU IF I PLEASE! I turn my attention to the little kid and stare at him, “Because the whole store could hear him being a little, rotten asshole to his mother so I thought I’d come over here and treat him like one.”

The mom looks at me, her son and the scattered GI JOE/wrappers/box on the floor. The mom is puzzled as to what to do and says, “Just..just go.” That’s my cue! I turn around, walk away with little extra step. As soon as I turn the corner, I book it outside as fast as I can.

We laugh on the car ride back about the whole scene. With a slight hint of seriousness in his tone, my friend asks me:

“Do you do that a lot?”

“Ahhh, not that much. Like once every 6 months or so.”

We both knew I was lying.

Via The Best Revenge Story Ever. This Man Is A God. on tickld

I want ice water.

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16 thoughts on “A Little Lesson In Manners…

  1. While I can’t imagine myself doing this, it SO needed to be done.

    I once, while shopping, saw a child, about this same age, slap his mother across the face because she wouldn’t allow him to answer her phone when it rang. Her response? Absolutely nothing. Little asshole kids aren’t born, they are definitely created over time and indifference.

    Like

    • I couldn’t agree more Alex, and I think your comment actually points to how we should go about, not only raising kids, but “raising each other” as well – by taking the time to treat each other as individuals rather than stereotypes, and by recognizing that an individual who is “acting out” is an individual who feels both unrecognized and unacknowledged.

      Yeah, I know how impossible, in the hectic world we live in, taking that kind of time sounds. But I wonder if such a perspective, in and of itself, derives from our allowing the things we spend such time “chasing” to become more important than the reasons we started chasing them in the first place? ๐Ÿ˜

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      • Agreed, and when that individual doing the acting out is a child, and the acting out is taking place in public, it’s up to the parent to to address it immediately. If they parents choose to ignore it, they shouldn’t be surprised or butt-hurt if others, who are having to endure the episode, choose not to ignore it.

        I can’t help but smile when I think that now, whenever this kid thinks to next throw a tantrum in public, he’ll now have to wonder if ‘Fart Man’ is lurking just around the corner. The story is very well written, and hilarious. The only thing which could have possibly made it better is if the guy, as he’s walking away, would have said, ‘My work here is done.’ ๐Ÿ˜‰

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        • Oh, that parting line would have been perfect Alex! The problem with a parent having to address this behavior immediately is that that usually involves them grabbing their kid and leaving – even if the trip itself was to accomplish something essential. As for others choosing to take action, I’m reminded of this little bit from the movie Airplane:

          An alternative would be for the government to allow places of business to install sound-proofed rooms, with padded wall and floors, where parents can safely leave their psychotic little brats while they tend to their business. For a fee of course. The parents do need to learn a lesson as well… ๐Ÿ˜‰

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  2. Makes me angry. Not the farting bloke who thinks he’s hilarious, but the mother. Makes me FURIOUS. Parents like that make everyone else’s life miserable. What they’re doing tmeans that some time in the future, the little monster will make someone else’s life miserable really seriously. Enough. I do not like this story at all.
    http://www.openculture.com/2014/06/flannery-oconnor-friends-dont-let-friends-read-ayn-rand-1960.html
    There’s something for you to read, Izaak: the comments following it you will probably want to add to …

    Like

    • Thanks M-R. I agree with your assessment of that kids criminal future. The article you linked to was rather typical of people who use second-hand knowledge to speak against Ayn Rand without actually checking her works out for themselves. It was refreshing to see that some of the people commenting, who hadn’t read her work, were still able to keep an open mind despite the social pressure from the ignorant majority.

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  3. A great story!

    If I thought fart man did enough to teach the brat a lesson, I’d be impressed, but the way the story panned out tells me he learned nothing and he’ll continue to be a nightmare until he gets his first conviction. From that point onwards, he’ll be a BIG problem to all of us. We should expect to find him featuring on a crime show in around 15 years.

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    • I suspect that you are right Pie. At the very least, it’ll take more than this one “bad consequence” to turn him around. Ideally, there’d be a long line of people willing to step forward, like the good people in that “Airplane” clip above, to provide both he AND his mother with all the bad consequences they need! ๐Ÿ˜ˆ

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  4. I REALLY ENJOYED THIS ONE MAK………..When I had 4 little ones at the store, they only needed warned once… if they did not stop, I would simply get ahold of the hair at the center of their neck in the back and gently lift up….this is not pleasant….I only used my thumb and ponting finger…not much hair…just a little works….if they did not pipe down, I lifted a little more….I never hurt them bad…just enough pressure to get their undivided attention….then I told them….I can march you to the car this way if you insist….the others took the hint and most of the time I only had to threaten… LOL

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