Addiction and The True Calling

When I was in drug rehabilitation, the given definition of addiction was, “a relationship with a mood altering experience that has life damaging consequences.” Note that this definition makes no mention of the actual thing to which the person is addicted. Be it alcohol, drugs, gambling, sex, work, or stamp collecting, it’s the consequence of the individual’s relationship with it that transforms that relationship into an addiction.

In short, an addict is a person who allows his pursuit of a thing to ruin the very life he seeks to enhance by pursuing it in the first place. Which brings me to point of this post: the addictive personality. This, I believe, is the true ’disease’ behind the symptom of addiction. You see, I have an addictive personality. When I find something that turns me on, whether it’s drugs, sex, work, computer programming, reading, listening to music, or writing, I fall head over heels into it at the cost of everything else.

It’s like The Neverending Story, where the kid falls into the book whenever he opens it. In fact, that’s the precise image I invoked to describe my addiction to reading. I would literally become so involved in whatever I was reading that I didn’t sleep, I didn’t eat, I didn’t even go to work. I remember once, when I had finally got my hands on the last book in The Chronicles Of Thomas Covenant, I used speed to allow me to stay awake while I read all six books in four days. Fortunately, if I can even use that word, I did this during an extended work break. But you can bet that my wife wasn’t too pleased.

Using another analogy, I refer you to the episode of The Twilight Zone where Burgess Meredith played a guy who wished for nothing more than the unfettered freedom to pursue his love of reading. He was so happy when a great holocaust left him all alone to do just that – until he broke his glasses! As crazy as it sounds, that was both my dream and my nightmare during those times. I still get chills of anxiety when I think of it.

This particular addiction got so bad that my emotions began to run wild, eventually leading to the choked-down rage and impossible-to-hide crying episodes that have plagued me ever since. To this day, I get so emotional when I read a good book or listen to my favorite songs that it completely ruins the experience. If it weren’t for the anti-depressants I take, I couldn’t even muster the courage to try.

And it’s the same for all the other things that trigger my ’disease.’ In addition to space travel and super-heroes, I was absolutely obsessed with sex as a kid. On the job, I worked more overtime than anyone. When I learned to program, I thought of nothing else. When I could no longer work, I stayed home to binge on marijuana, programming, reading, music, pornography, writing (mostly porn), and all the crack cocaine I could get my hands on to ’help’ me do all those things non-stop. I can’t say why it’s important to me to point this out, but I simply wanted speed during this period and crack was what I was able to find.

Ironically, I was actually looking for a way to kill myself when I stumbled upon crack. And as sick as it might sound, it actually gave me something to live for, at least for a while, since it had a kind of Popeye’s Spinach effect on me. When I finally lost my family and my friends, I lapsed into a hermit-like state that I’m just now beginning to come out of. My misery was so complete at one point that I even tried drinking to numb my pain and shut down my head, and when that didn’t work I turned back to suicide. Fortunately both alcohol and ’downers’ make me puke, so I didn’t succeed at either. Trust me, I haven’t always thought that was such a fortunate thing.

Now as I’ve said before, in addition to being a source of pleasure for me, writing serves as a kind of therapy. But the pen, or rather the keyboard, can be a double-edged sword for me. If you’ve followed this blog at all, you’ll have noticed that I have written quite a lot. In fact, I’ve done little else since I started this blog in the middle of November ’08. Such is the dilemma that I now face. I love what I’m doing so much, and finally feel that I’m really serving a worthwhile cause, that I’m beginning to wonder if I’ve found my ’true calling.’ But my experience forces me to wonder if this is just another symptom of my ’disease.’

You know how it’s said that you can’t see the forest for the trees? It’s like that when I try to weigh the consequences of this continuous writing. I don’t work, other than my writing, and I have no particular place to be. When I do have an appointment, I keep it. I take my med’s and prepare all my own meals. And the lack of a social life is ’normal’ for me. So aside from missing a lot of sleep, drinking too much coffee, and smoking too many cigarettes, it’s hard to find a truly negative consequence. But if I were a ’normal’ person with a job and family to tend to, this behavior would be excessive to say the least.

So for once I am truly at a loss. It’s not like there’s anyone I trust to advise me in this area. The psychiatrists and psychologists can’t seem to see past my drug abuse, ignoring the fact that my ’disease’ predates my drug abuse by many years. And the rehab community can only suggest that I turn my will over to ’a higher power’ or to ’the group’ – neither of which are acceptable to me. So I guess that I’ll just have to keep on doing what feels right. And that is to “Keep On Truckin’.”

I welcome your comments. But still, as always,

I want ice water.

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29 thoughts on “Addiction and The True Calling

  1. mak, i can really relate to what you are saying. i wrote a post a few months ago about addiction, and the conclusions i had come to about it. i think that addiction is the process of escaping from pain. unfortunately the pain doesnt go away until we deal with it.

    but writing is fantastic, cos it does allow us to face and deal with our pain. the more honest you are, the more it brings about healing.

    in your case, you have an exceptional writing style, and i think you could make a career out of it. i’d keep going with the blogging, (and journalling if you feel like trying that too. total anonymity allows us to be even more honest) until you start to feel clearer, lighter, less torn. it may take a while. when that happens, keep doing it for yourself, but start trying to do some writing for newspapers or magazines.

    i watched “adaptation” last night – have you seen it? it’s a wonderful insight into the mind of a writing genius.

    hope this helps 🙂
    yolanda

    heres the post i wrote, if you’d like to read it: http://thestufflifesmadeof.blogspot.com/2008/11/life-without-purpose.html

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  2. Thanks again for your encouraging comments. It’s hard to admit just how much they mean. I have become so isolated that I literally don’t know how to pursue a career in writing. I simply don’t have the resources to go down the paths I have thought of. I’d love to hear your suggestions.

    I don’t even know the difference between blogging and journaling, and I thought that this was being anonymous. Other than avoiding identifications, I am being absolutely honest.

    I read your post and loved every word! I hope you get the joke reference in my comment 🙂

    I missed the show you mentioned. Any ideas on how I can find a re-run?

    Thanks again.

    Mak

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  3. maK,

    you’re welcome 🙂

    firstly, i would suggest you try to get some more followers for your blog. nothing motivates like encouragement! advertise your blog here: http://groups.google.com/group/blogger-help-share/topics?pli=1 surfing around other people’s blogs and leaving comments is also a good way to get traffic.

    in terms of writing professionally, your approach will depend on what area of writing you’d like to explore. you may not be sure about this just yet, and that’s fine – take your time exploring. on the basis of your blog, im guessing that journalism would be a good starting point for you. political rants etc. you could look for an online publication and start submitting articles. im not really familiar with this area so you’d need to do some research yourself. see if there is a blogger group that offers info to aspiring writers.

    journalling is the term that i give writing my thoughts on paper. i probably hold back in my blogs a little more than i do when i write privately, but that’s just me.

    “adaptation” is a film – it’s amazing! here’s a great review of it: http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/adaptation/

    let me know how you get on!

    keep the faith.

    yolanda

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  4. 😀

    well, i’ll keep reading your blog so

    1) i’ll see if youre gathering followers (i’m sure you won’t have a problem there).

    2) i’ll get up-to-date reports of how you progress 😉

    plus there are lots more posts of yours that i’d like to comment on. so the lines of communication are open!

    that’s a good idea re. blogger – you could suggest it to them! facebook, myspace etc. already do it.

    tlk soon,

    yola

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  5. Yolanda,

    Thanks again. I’ll try the things you suggested. There are things I don’t feel comfortable posting on my blog, so those are kept separately.

    I’m not sure how to update you on my progress, other than by posting more comments. I’m not comfortable with giving my email address here. Perhaps Blogger should add some way for bloggers to communicate using them as an intermediary?

    Thanks again,

    Mak

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  6. Hi Mak, what a fine essay! I stumbled on your blog completely by accident. You are a great writer, and I do not say that lightly, believe me. I appreciate that you write straight from the heart, but never mindlessly so, always with control and direction. Your sentence structure, your flow of words, your narrative, all is logical, almost as if you wrote a few drafts, and then refined them down to the finished article. It’s clear that you do not find the writing process a chore. Your technique appears effortless! It also seems that you have an unusual history. Which is to say, that you actually have something relevant to your life experience to write about. When I was in my early twenties, I thought I wanted to be a writer, and it took me a couple of years to see that I had no important experiences as yet to allow me to pretend. I was good with words, but without something deeply obsessive, painful or important to concern myself with, it just didn’t matter to any potential reader. But with you, I sense the true experience of pain, and the whole dark night of the soul thing. How old are you? Keep it up. And don’t forget the iced water!
    Aurick

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    • Hi Aurick,

      Thanks so very much for your comment. It’d take a whole new essay to describe just how much feedback like yours means to me. Also, yours is the first response since I ported my blog over from Blogger, which makes it even more special.

      I do work very hard on achieving clarity in my writing, but I’ve got 53 years of accumulated issues and thoughts to get out. So it’s not so hard to figure out what I want to say. I hope you read more of my works, as I’d love to hear your thoughts on them as well.

      While I’m not much for giving personal advice, your comment shows that you have the passion I think you need to be good. You just have to find the subject(s) that inspire you to unleash it. I’ll bet that there are some.

      By the way, how did you discover my essay? I’ve spent so much time with the writing itself, and so much time lately experimenting with the presentation aspects of blogging – first on Blogger and now on WordPress, that I’ve not had time to figure out how to get people to see it. Any help I can get will be greatly appreciated.

      Again, thanks for your encouraging words. I hope to hear from you again.

      Mak.

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  7. Mak, I’m really sorry! I didn’t mean to just quit out on you. I got completely distracted by my blog (true!) and some other issues which I won’t go into here. Distracted by blog meaning both content and presentation, but also several technical problems which made me go back and forth a few times, figuring things out, wondering why my life was becoming so dense when all that was happening was self-imposed confusion. Humans always go for the confusion first time out!

    I was so distracted that I didn’t even explore the “comments” submenu, thinking that if anyone posted a comment to me it would appear as an email, so I missed your last one, above. You’re asking me how I discovered your essay? I honestly can’t remember! How do you get people to see your blog? Again, I’m not too sure at all. Obviously the tags that you connect to each post are vital. Never forget the tags! Online search engines and spiders look for tags, so be sure that your various important issues are highlighted with a tag or maybe a dozen. No doubt you know this.
    I’ll try and think of other ways where the world rushes to your door…

    My blog is not like yours, mine is more a series of articles from various sources, all held together by my own passion and need to share some of the material. My own soul is at the back somewhere. Yours, of course, is straight from the front, a frontward leaning soul, exposed fully, and very brave and needful in its expression. So how are you these days? I’m writing this without yet revisiting your site, but I will go look today and see where you’re at. In meantime, never let go or give up. The passion is its own reward, but other rewards follow. Take care,
    Aurick

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    • Hey aurick! Great to here from you again. I’m doing well, even if the passion has dimmed somewhat. I’ve spent more time playing with the appearance of this blog lately than in writing for it. It kind of feels like I’ve spoken on all of the big issues I wanted to cover, and the format I chose doesn’t lend itself to the short-form coverage of the day-to-day issues that remain. So I’m juggling ideas for setting up another one – possibly using some sort of reader participation format.

      I’d love to look at your work, but you haven’t provided me with a link. I notice that your name doesn’t present as a link. You change this on the Users: Your Profile page. Someone on the forums pointed out that getting help would be easier if people could back-trace to my blog using this link. Remembering where all the settings are is $@%#, but I’m sure someone thought this arrangement was logical!

      Anyway, give me a link so I can check out your blog.

      Mak.

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  8. Well, that’s curious, what you said about me not providing a link. I presumed (naturally) that a link back to me would be automatically created and presented, everything just flowing nicely, no sweat, etc. No link, huh? Okay, easily sorted: This is not precisely a link, but it’ll get you to me:
    http://quantumpranx.wordpress.com

    I’ve got a question for you, and maybe you don’t want to discuss this, but it’s kind of relevant, and also maybe it’s an obvious question:
    You had at some point some drug addiction issues, either in the past or now still. What were the drugs? Logically, I guess heroin, crack cocaine? At any rate, they had to be narcotics. But this is not the question. The real question is did you ever take any psychedelics? And if so, did you ever take any organic psychedelics, like ayahuasca? Specifically, this would give you some hugely powerful insights into the real root causes of your addiction, worth many sessions on the shrink’s couch, and more besides. You may well know all about this, in which case I apologise for sounding patronising or stupid or whatever. I’ve always felt that the drugs we should be taking are the ones that nature provided for us, and which also happen to be the ones that show us how integrated we are with the Universe, how there is no separation. Any drug that is addictive clearly does not hold your best interests to heart, and becomes a burden, an enemy. A drug that promises not to give you what you want, but to give you what you NEED, is obviously a much more interesting proposition. This is where your psyche wants to go, to explore, to seek. I’m sure you know all this.

    As I mentioned before, have a look at “Fringe Knowledge for Beginners” on right side under Pages. By the way, I recall reading somewhere on your blog that you don’t believe in the supernatural. I take another stance: that reality is essentially supernatural, and it is just our puny undeveloped human perceptions that fragment and confuse the whole issue, so we argue about whether things are supernatural or not, or whether aliens exist or not, or is blah blah blah valid or not. We don’t see connectivity, we just see splits, we see duality, we see various shades and levels of Truth also, but underlying everything is an irrefutable essence that just IS. Once glimpsed, even for a moment, we can stop searching, forever. (I’m kinda tired now, so I’m not expressing well.) There are several articles on my blog that are very interesting, and might give you something to hang on to, even if it’s just for a while.
    Aurick

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    • First and foremost, WOW! I just glimpsed your blog and it is indeed impressive. I haven’t actually read anything yet, but I will! Your topic coverage is so broad that I hardly know where to begin, but I’ll start with the page you mentioned (didn’t see it at first look).

      As far as the drugs are concerned, I’ve tried some from about every group, but crack has been the main source of trouble. Like all “quick fix” solutions, it’s proved to be a dead end journey. As for organic psychedelics, I tried mushrooms and mescaline back in the 70s but I’ve never heard of ayahuasca. I am aware that psychedelics have been used in treating addiction, but my reasons had more to do with exploring the “unseen” parts of reality in an effort to deal with my issues involving the “supernatural” teachings from my youth.

      It’s the harm done by the influence of such unscientific explorations of the greater reality that I rail against, not the belief that there is a greater reality itself. My quest for peace and understanding have led me down many roads, but they all lead to the conclusion that my mental health and my spirituality are one and the same. Unfortunately, I’ve not found much reading material on “rational spirituality.”

      Looking forward to reading your blog. I’ll leave comments where they seem appropriate.

      Mak.

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  9. Hi Mak,
    This piece – Addiction and The True Calling – is one that I read some time ago, when I first came upon your blog, and re-reading it again now I actually wept at the searing honesty as well as the insights you have into yourself. Yours is quite a journey, and make no mistake! You are a very fine writer, especially as I suspect you’ve had no specific training or courses, and which oftentimes is a damn good thing. Creativity is usually stifled by too much meddling by well-meaning teachers. Your writing of course is not focussed on anything but yourself, and that is just as it should be. I can’t imagine you writing fiction, anyway. (I personally stopped reading fiction completely in about 2004 when I “woke up”. See “About” under Pages on my blog.) You do have a gift for expressing fine nuances of meaning, and you do it with clarity and brevity. That last paragraph (It’s the harm done by… etc) is perfect. I understand you better now, and you’re not so different to me! “Rational spirituality” is not a topic you’ll find easily! But it’s all around you, so to speak. Spirituality is Truth, it cannot be other than rational; there is no discussion, it just IS!

    You say you’ve not heard of ayahuasca? This is the Special One! As it is a “sacred” brew used by indigenous people in South America, it is def. not for the faint-hearted, nor for recreational use. It is also called “The Great Teacher” or “The Great Healer”, and it’s made from a very specific combination of plants, only found in the Amazon, Peru, etc. This is the one that I refer to as giving you what you need, not what you want. This is powerful medicine, and as such, can be unpleasant, maybe, but the plant has an innate intelligence that examines you down to the DNA level (yes, I believe that, and many other reports say the same thing) and then gives you a tailor-made experience that you will recognize as being your own. The plant will never give you a bad trip “for no reason”. That is to say, the if one did have a bad trip, you’d understand that as being the only way that certain information is going to get through to you! Nobody has the same experience. I have only taken it twice, the first time in 2004, and I very much suspect that is the reason I say I woke up shortly afterwards, although I am still waking up! And will hopefully go on waking up into the following successive lifetimes!

    I wrote a personal account of that first trip because the plant virtually forced me to! I have not posted that account on my blog yet because I had so much other important stuff to put there. But you’ve now made me feel it’s time to do this. Maybe even today! What my account includes is some background and technical detail relating to the pharmacology and history, so you’ll find it interesting on that level as well. When I post that story, I will let you know personally, I promise.

    You’ll see on my blog that there is a considerable slant towards economics and finance. This surprises me as much as anybody who knows me, or thinks they know me. It reflects another side of me that I ignored for the first 60 years, (I was a hippy: girls, drugs, music, parties!) and my interest seems to be coming back now as the economic shit really hits the fan, and as I’ve become aware of the lies and deceit endemic in the very system of money and finance. I’m also very interested in the concept (rapidly becoming more widely known) that this is a very special, but traumatic time in the evolution of earth, and us upon it. The Mayan end date signals an ending of some kind in December 2012, and you may have noticed a certain quickening, an acceleration, of events, whether they be political, cultural, technological, economic, etc around us as we move closer to that date.

    As we witness the final death throes of organised religion (one of the worst, and insidious forms of social control devised) we will move into a more truly spiritual dimension but to get to that point will be a hugely traumatic yet cathartic event. We will gladly let go of priests, who have brought nothing but control freakery and who have robbed us of our spiritual connectivity, but we will find it harder to let go of our material possessions. (I speak for others, of course!)

    The other major control system in our society is money itself. The whole banking system is a giant scam, which a lot of people feel intuitively, but it’s when you look at the actual mechanics of the system, that a sense of disbelief takes root. The way banks make money is quite incredibly obscene. It is basically legal counterfeiting on a huge scale! There’s no effort in it! But when you repay a loan, boy is there a lot of effort in it! It makes you, in effect, a bonded slave! As we go through life, we just happily join a throng of bonded slaves! Anyway, it’s the invisible social and cultural control systems that i also look at through my blog, and to investigate how they started. It’s a BIG story!

    There’s obviously a lot to talk about, but I have to do some admin stuff on my wife’s website (she sells, or tries to sell, pottery and ceramic stuff that she makes) and I must get on. As a matter of interest, where do you live at present? (I don’t recall if you mention that anywhere on your blog.) I live in Bristol, England. I have a daughter, incidentally, who moved to Boston, Mass with her mother (my ex) and her stepdad in the late 80s. She (my daughter) also has an addictive personality as you yourself described, and has worked her way through a variety of drugs and alcohol over the years. Until recently she was living under a highway, and I think is now in one of the Boston tent cities. She’s completely unmaterialistic, but stole stuff to fund the habit, and served some time at a correctional institution as a result. This is all quite unexpected, as her stepfather is a senior cardiologist at Harvard Medical School! But it all goes to show that one’s path in life is never too predictable,

    Take care,
    Rick (Aurick is the blog name!)

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    • Hi Rick,

      My amazement continues to grow, my friend. I’m sorry to hear about your daughter. I’ve encountered many similar stories during my times in mental health and drug rehab facilities. I think the fear of having to live on the streets is one of the main things that kept my from going too far. But I’ve been to the edge several times and did not like what I saw in the abyss.

      I have been a resident of Columbus, Ohio since 1970, but have traveled quite a bit for both the Air Force and my former employer. Much more so, oddly enough, for the latter. My life leading up to, and including, my time in the Air Force is sort of chronicled in the articles listed on the My Life page. It’s interesting that your blog deals so much with finance and economics because, as a Capitalist living in a society where the very meaning of that title has been so twisted and abused (see Ayn Rand’s Capitalism: The Unknown Ideal), I have always had a gut-level distrust of our political/economic system. Many of my articles, those on the Essays & Such page in particular, are on this subject. But for an understanding of how I came to my views, I suggest the Opening Rant article on the My Life page.

      Now that I’ve read your reply, I do recall hearing of ayahuasca on a TV report some time ago. I think it was a report that was initially about a small movement to get our government to change its policies prohibiting the clinical use of psychedelics for the treatment of addiction and mental illness, and they used the South American ayahuasca use as background to show how use in a controlled environment can have beneficial consequences. I’m sorry to say that I allowed my suspicion of all things ritualistic to lead me to dismiss the report somewhat.

      I, for one, can’t wait for the fall of organized religion and an end to all the evil it has done, but the “visions” (for lack of a better term) I’ve had of that end since I was a child have left me very fearful of the times ahead. I talk about that a lot in my articles as well, although I’ve tried to “tone down” the “visions” aspect a bit.

      In closing, I must admit to a lifelong fascination with all things British, English, Irish, Scottish, etc. I’m sure that’s mostly do to growing up watching all those movies and TV shows, but deep down I feel a greater connection that I can’t explain. I know it sounds crazy, but I sometimes think with variations of your accents! To add even more oddness, one of the mental patients I met in the hospital had this obsession with my being descended from that part of the world and claimed that my last name, McGhee, proved it! To my knowledge, I have no roots there at all, and my last name comes from my mother’s African-American husband who was not my father.

      Anyway, I’ll continue the reading I’ve started on your blog (Fringe Knowledge for Beginners), and will get to the others you referenced. I also look forward to your publishing the story of your awakening.

      Take care,
      Mak

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  10. Okay Mak, I’m as good as my word here today! I’ve just posted my ayahuasca story on my blog. It’s called “Interlude in Cornwall March 2004” and you’ll find it under Pages on right side of screen.

    I’ve just glanced at your reply above, but I can’t write more now as it’s nearly dinner time here and I have to go work in the kitchen!
    I will come back to you to comment on some of what you’ve said here. I also want to read more about you. That’s an amazing story about you and the bleeding girl in Panama! You were so close to some serious consequences!!
    Take care,
    Rick

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  11. Sometimes I worry that that will be the case for me if I ever try drugs or alcohol. Both my mother and my father did weed when they were younger, my father still does. My mom’s mom was an alcoholic and my dad… certainly isn’t a stranger when it comes to alcohol. And so I live in a tense knot of fear, worried to try anything, worried to live life. I don’t want to become addicted to anything, so I don’t do anything. The only addiction in my life is blogging. I suppose I’m addicted to plants as well. My room is practically a forest and all I seem to be able to talk about is how this plant is doing this or that plant is doing that.
    I think the thing that both of us need to remember is moderation. You have to remember to not get so involved in all of it. Read books, they’re good for the mind. But only read a chapter a day, maybe two if you’ve got nothing better to do. But there is a world outside those pages also. A world that you are actually a part of; one that you can influence. After you’ve read a little, you could do some writing, hone your skills, write your own novel. Make a schedule for yourself, so you can live day by day and not worry about yesterday or tomorrow. Everyday is a new day, even if you are still affected by past decisions; you have that many more to change your fate.

    At least that’s what I would have told you, had I known you last year. It’s odd; we both started our blogs in November of 08.

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    • I agree wholeheartedly. Moderation, and balance, are definitely the keys. The definition of addiction as “a relationship with a mood altering experience that has life damaging consequences” means that while a person can become addicted to practically anything, that person is not actually addicted unless they’ve allowed it to reach “life damaging” proportions.

      The real “gray” area in all of this comes from the fact that some people can achieve great “life benefiting” results from the obsessive pursuit of a goal. This can leave a person looking like a great success to outsiders when the person has actually lost so much, like the love and company of family and friends, to achieve that success. That’s why a person has to have well balanced priorities!

      BTW, you’ve surprised me by commenting here rather than on my Meet Giant George post. I’d have thought that big dog would have drawn an immediate response from your direction! 🙂

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      • The only thing I could think to say was “holy crap. I’m glad my dogs are so little because there’s no way on earth I’d let that dog sit in my lap.” Lol. Speaking of which, buttercup is currently sitting in my lap. She loves to watch me move the mouse. And she figured out that if she bumps it with her nose it’ll move. Just what I need, competition for my own blog.

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  12. Read all the comments. Quite a lot there! I really was smashed and blown up and away by the incredible LOOK of your blog! I did not know you could do that here on WordPress! How on earth did yoU achieve this? You have EVERYTHING! And the background astronomy wallpaper on the sides of your blogging area…??? LlOOKS SO GREAT!

    I have only been online (intermittenly, with both computer and hookup issues) since last mid December. Technical difficulties with my wordpress editor, well, my posts looked like crap. I found your blog traveling to the Forum to look for advice from other bloggers. So I fixed the problem on my own yesterday, but must clean up all my bad editing by hand in the coming days. My blog is just not fit yet for what I want to present, yet it represents a huge progress for me in just 11 months.

    You are way out there, but I understand the move toward extremes in focus and behavior- it is an attentional issue as well. I have Hyper-Focus. So do inventors and scientists! (that grey area you mentioned- if you are not successful, you are a dufus goon. If you succeed, of course you are a genius- everybody who knows you will tell you so, they ‘always knew’) I get on the computer, I may do nothing else that day except eat poorly and go to the bathroom… No shower, no hair brushing, etc. And I feel accomplished. Other times it’s art. Or anything at all. I will check back.

    I hate that picture of the carved wooden disk in Minnesota about women. That could turn away half of your prospective readers when we see a thing like that! Any disrespect for women, rude or crude or dismissive or violent, it just pisses me the hell off! Yes, I have issues! Tough shit!

    Have A NICE DAY!

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    • I’m sorry it’s taken so long for me to respond to your comment. Thank you so much for the nice things you’ve said. Putting this thing together over the last 18 months really has been a labor of love. Unfortunately, I’ve begun to feel as if there’s nothing that I haven’t talked about, at least indirectly, and all the special tweaks to my blog’s appearance are starting to slow down its responsiveness. These issues work together to rob me of much of the motivation I had back when I wrote this post.

      If you’ve read my Opening Rant post, you’ll know that I’ve been intent on speaking my mind on whatever topic, not matter how controversial, and that I fully expected to receive angry responses from those who took the time to read my stuff. I have to admit that it’s been a pleasant surprise that my writing has attracted an open-minded audience willing to put up with my foibles in order to have a little fun along with a well-reasoned discourse. It’s letting those people down that worry me, now that I’ve started to run out of steam.

      Again, I want to thank you for stopping by. I’ve subscribed to your blog, and I promise to drop a comment from time to time. 😀

      Like

  13. I get addicted to things, one after the other, too. But I manage some control over it from time to time now because I just run out of energy to pursue keep on with things. I suppose, in a way, that’s good in itself. Curious, I’ve not thought of it in positive terms before. But I wish (as you probably do) that there were a better way of doing things – getting out of these vicious circles. Personally – and sadly – I think it’s probably genetic.
    😦

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    • There probably is a genetic component at work, as there are many in my family who have problems with addiction. But I also think that my having a lifelong series of obsessions comes from my effort to find a satisfactory focus for my energies, which I’ve seen in only a couple of my other family members. I guess I take the meaning of “calling” literally, and that I just need to figure out what it is I’m being “called” to do! 😀

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    • Wow, 13 years sober! That’s an achievement I can most definitely respect. I can only hope to be able to say that someday. For now, I’m still taking it one day at a time. 😀

      Like

  14. Pingback: Genius or Obsession? | I Want Ice Water

  15. Pingback: Shane Hawley’s Wile E Coyote! | I Want Ice Water

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